


Without Me

by snowspriestess



Series: One Shots [16]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, this is a little messy but here we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 15:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19212715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowspriestess/pseuds/snowspriestess
Summary: During a khergud attack on the capital, Nikolai and Zoya find themselves trying to detangle their feelings for each other.





	Without Me

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't think i'd post this but two very lovely people encouraged me to keep writing zoyalai so here we are ♥

“Did we hear anything else about the Shu intelligence?” Nikolai asked Tamar, turning around to look at his guard. The sun was blinding him, and he could barely make out the shape of the Heartrender. 

Zoya was standing next to him on the balcony, back straight as usual, and going over a file Tamar had handed her. “They attacked three new Grisha camps”, she noted, flicking the page. 

Tamar nodded briefly. “The Shu are getting bolder, ever since they perfected their  _ khergud  _ soldiers.” She glanced at her brother, who was watching the city of Os Alta beneath them. “But we still don’t know where the factories are, or how they are able to multiply their soldiers so fast.”  
  
Nikolai noticed Zoya frowning, suddenly staring at the horizon. Her eyes were slightly narrowed, her gaze unmoving. It was the General at work. 

“What is it?” Nikolai asked, stepping next to her. The sky was entirely clear, the sun beaming down on them mercilessly. But Zoya seemed to have noticed something no one else saw - or felt. 

She shook her head slowly. “Something is moving through the current”, she replied, stepping closer to the edge of the balcony. “But it’s odd, usually... “ She trailed of, lost in thought. Her eyes never moved. 

Nikolai gave Tolya and Tamar a troubled look, now also watching the sky. Just when suddenly, something moved before the sun. It was no more than a shadow, gone within a second. But it was enough to send his senses spiraling. 

Next to him, Tamar was reaching for her axes. The shadow was drawing nearer. “ _ Khergud _ ”, Tamar growled, eyes pinned at the sky. 

Zoya was already moving, having spotted something below them in the city. The double amplifiers on her wrists were shining when she moved, leaping off the balcony with a single elegant jump. 

Nikolai’s heart jumped when he saw her fall, and disappear. He bolted to the banisters, just in time to see Zoya land on the back of another winged soldier, who was just in the middle of attacking the city below. His heartbeat was racing when he watched his General struggle to keep her balance as the  _ khergud  _ longed for her, wielding a long knife which looked like it was made for carving meat.  _ Grisha meat.  _

But Zoya was Zoya, and a second later the air began to crackle around them. Lighting spiraled out of her fingertips, and the Shu screamed when his skin burned under her touch. His wings gave up working and the two of them tumbled towards the ground, Zoya’s storm raging around them to slow the fall. 

Nikolai was grabbed by the collar and jammed backwards, Tolya’s massive statue hovering over him. Tamar had leaped for the city wall, moving like an acrobat while swinging her axes. She was running to help Zoya fight of the remaining  _ khergud  _ who were swarming into the city now. The sky was filled with their metallic wings. 

“Tolya!” Nikolai struggled against the grip. “Let go of me, that is an order!” he added, finally feeling ground beneath his feet again. There were at least ten Shu in the air right now, and Zoya and Tamar were only two people. Somewhere below, thunder was crackling. “We need to help”, Nikolai demanded, already wondering whether a jump off the balcony would be a sufficient plan or not. 

But Tolya shook his head. “You have armies to handle this for you,  _ moi tsar”,  _ he replied. “We can not dare to lose you.”

Nikolai ignored the advice, instead reaching for his guns and aiming on the next soldier he could find. Although bullets were scarcely of help here, he fired anyway. The  _ khergud  _ snarled angrily, now making her way towards Nikolai and Tolya. She had bright red lips, and they were spread out in a smile. 

Tolya jumped forward, arms raised and fists clenched. He groaned when he slowed the woman’s heartbeat, making her drop to the ground soundlessly. She remained lying there, her body limp. The Heartrender was seizing his sword now, giving Nikolai a dim look. “Let us fight”, he said firmly, making his way towards the stairs which lead away from the balcony. 

Nikolai hurried to follow, clutching his guns for protection. He needed to find Zoya, make sure she was fine. His eyes scanned the city below while they moved away from the palace and towards the swarm of  _ khergud.  _ Where was she? He spotted Tamar on the city walls, in the middle of ripping a Shu’s throat out with her swinging axes. She was sprinkled in blood. 

Tolya leaped towards his sister to help, leaving Nikolai. He stood in the middle of the capital’s main square, today utterly empty. It was still early in the morning, and the attack had probably scared most people away. 

Just in this moment he noticed a movement above him, too late seeing the Shu flying towards him. He raised his guns, knowing it was useless, preparing himself to the attacked crashing into him… but it never came. A massive cloud of air hovered in front of him, the storm catching the  _ khergud  _ sideways and throwing him off balance. He tumbled towards the ground groaning. Nikolai exhaled sharply when he saw Zoya standing at the edge of the square, arms raised, eyes glowing with determination. Her  _ kefta  _ was bloodied and partly ripped, but she looked unhurt. It was surprising him how relieved he felt. 

But the Shu was on his feet again, now making a run for Zoya. She dropped her arms, the storm coming to a hold, instead reaching for her broadsword. The blade was glowing faint blue at her touch, the power of lightning flowing through the metal. But Nikolai had already reached for his knife and lunged for the soldier himself, burying his blade deeply in the man’s throat. He was coughing, spitting blood, then collapsed. 

When Zoya’s eyes met his own, she looked offended. “I could have taken him down myself”, she snapped at Nikolai, her blue eyes scanning the sky above them. “Where are the rest of them?” 

Nikolai watched his General, the bloodlust of battle on her beautiful face. She was glowing from the Grisha power, her skin almost radiating light. “How many are down?” he asked, following her gaze up to the sky. 

“I took three, Tamar is on her third right now”, Zoya responded, beginning to move towards one of the empty streets. 

Seven, including the one Tolya had put out. Three more missing. “If they search the houses for Grisha-”, Nikolai began, following Zoya. He didn’t get any further because the next second someone grabbed him from behind, pulling him back with such force than he stumbled over his own feet. 

 

Zoya saw the man who attacked Nikolai first, already bringing her hands up. But then something crashed into her side, and she felt at least one of her ribs crack when she hit the opposite wall of one of the houses. The crash drew the air from her lungs and a wave of pain hit her, turning the edges of her vision black. 

The  _ khergud  _ was already on her, his sword drawn. Zoya drew herself upwards, ignoring the ponding pain every movement sent through her body. She was  _ not  _ ready to die today. Instead she brought her wrists up, her power flowing through her air like an animal ready for attack. The man retreated, sword still held up. She didn’t allow herself to glance over to Nikolai, not daring to get distracted for even a second.  _ He was fine,  _ she told herself, using every last strength she had left to keep the storm roaring. But she knew she couldn’t keep it up, not at this rate. She was already injured, and her power was draining her too fast. 

Instead, she reached for her sword again. The  _ khergud’s  _ lips spread into a grin as he leaped forward suddenly, obviously having hoped for the element of surprise. 

Zoya stumbled left, ignoring the nausea which rose with the every step. Black dots were dancing across her vision, and she could feel her body aching. But she brought her sword up all the same, feeling the lightning rush through her fingers into the weapon.  _ Good.  _

The man growled something in Shu which she didn’t understand, but she did make out the last word.  _ Witch.  _

Zoya felt the anger rush through her body as she raised her weapon, feel it pulsating through her bloodstream. 

But she was slow, slower than usual. Her attacker’s sword nearly struck her shoulder, instead only drawing a wound at her arm. Blood was pearling out in red drops. Zoya clenched her jaw, blinking to keep her focus. The world was blurring slowly but steadily. Again she brought her sword up, this time with so much force that the entire power of her storm hit. The _khergud’_ s blade shattered the way Juris’ had so long ago in the fold, leaving the man wide-eyed and defenseless. 

He gave a groan when she cut his throat, the limp body sinking to the ground. Zoya exhaled sharply, feeling the pain flood back into her as the adrenaline and the force of Grisha power ebbed away. She stumbled, her vision blurring as she felt herself collapsing. 

Suddenly, someone was catching her. She was briefly aware of a flash of golden hair before she was lying on the ground, struggling to breath. Her rips were ponding mercilessly, the pain drawing the air from her lungs. Suddenly, she had a terrible headache. 

Nikolai was above her, his face more clear than anything else. His hazel eyes were watching her, and he was brushing the hair away from her face. “Quite the show, Nazyalensky”, he muttered, but she could hear the strain in his voice. He was worried. 

Zoya felt her lids growing heavier, blinking to keep her eyes open. “Always trying to impress you”, she replied, but her voice was shaking. “I think I might have broken a rib”, she added.  _ Or several, judging by the pain.  _

Nikolai was still holding her face in his hands, as if refusing to let go. “You’re going to be fine”, he said, with all the strength he seemed to have gathered. His fingers were cupping her cheek. “Just stay awake.” 

She nodded, but even the slight movement was hurting.  _ Was this what it felt like to die?  _

“Okay, Zoya, talk to me”, Nikolai continued, voice now shaking badly. He was truly afraid. “Tell me something.”  
  
Actually, she was not quite in the mood to talk. “You’re a better fighter than I thought”, Zoya replied, trying to focus her attention on his face. At least the usual banter made her feel like herself again. She felt herself slipping away still, but was trying to hold on. 

Nikolai managed to chuckle at the words. “Compliments don’t suit you, Nazyalensky.” He was anxiously looking towards the palace, as if debating his next action. “Are you going to kill me if I suggest carrying you back?” he said eventually. 

“I might not get the chance to if you don’t”, Zoya replied sourly. 

Something flickered through his eyes at the words. “You’re not dying.” He picked her up into his arms while speaking. “I’m not letting my General go just yet.” 

Zoya felt the warmth of Nikolai’s body against herself, resting her head against his chest. The pain had turned rather dull by now, like she was wrapped up in a huge cocoon. She wasn’t feeling much of anything anymore. Her eyes dared to fall shut again. She could still hear Nikolai’s voice, but far away, like he was standing at the other end of a room, like a melody soothing her into sleep. And then the darkness came as she stopped fighting it, crashing down over her head and pulling her down an invisible current. 

 

Nikolai was pacing through the corridor, anxiety spiralling through his body. His clothes were still bloodied, although not by his own. It was Zoya’s blood sticking to him, and the weight of it almost dragging him to the ground. 

Genya was standing next to him now, her hands folded patiently. “Nikolai”, she said softly, sighing. “The healer already said she is going to be fine.” 

They had, she was right of course, but Nikolai was still haunted by the weight of Zoya’s limp body in his arms, the way her eyes had fallen shut. He had truly believed her to be dead for a moment. “I know”, he replied now. “But I would like to see for myself.”  
  
Genya glanced at him, almost knowingly. But perhaps he was imagining things now. “She has several broken ribs, it takes time to heal all of those”, she said reassuringly. “And Grisha power doesn’t work all too well with head injuries, either.”  
  
Nikolai crossed his arms, stopping his pacing. The healer had said Zoya merely had a concussion, but his worry still didn’t cease. Because it was his fault. He had failed to protect her.  _ She  _ had saved his life, been guarding him, but when he should have done the same he had failed. 

The door was opened and the healer stepped out, obviously surprised to see Nikolai still lingering in the corridor. “Your Highness”, he greeted with a bow. 

Nikolai brushed the gesture away with a dismissive wave. “How is my General?” he wanted to know. 

“Commander Nazyalensky will be fine”, the man replied. “The ribs are healed, although it will take a couple of days until the injury is fully gone.” He gave a smile. 

Genya glared at Nikolai, obviously waiting for his reaction. 

Nikolai nodded, but not quite satisfied just yet. “I want to see her”, he demanded. 

The healer raised a confused brow, but didn’t question his monarch. “Of course, your Highness. She should wake up shortly.” 

Genya looked fairly amused when Nikolai nodded and stepped into the room, anxious to see for himself that Zoya was fine. That she would be. 

Her eyes were still closed when he said down next to the bed, her usually so golden skin awfully pale. He was tempted to reach out and touch her, just to make sure she was breathing. But he held back, instead settling to watch her chest rise and fall. It was comforting, oddly enough. 

It wasn’t long until Zoya began to stir, her eyes slowly flickering open. Nikolai watched her gaze scan the room, for a moment confused, before she noticed him. For a second she looked almost relieved. “I suppose I do get the chance to kill you after all”, Zoya muttered as a greeting, but she was faintly smiling. “Good work Lantsov.” 

Nikolai released the breath he hadn’t realized to be holding.  _ She was fine.  _ “You gave me quite the scare”, he replied, reaching out to steady her as she sat up. He saw a flicker of pain pass over her face but she didn’t even flinch. 

“What is life without a little action”, Zoya shrugged, almost sounding like herself. She ran a hand through her hair absently, eyes watching Nikolai. 

He sighed. The worry slowly began to let go of him. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind Zoya’s ear, his finger accidentally brushing over her cheek. “Don’t do this to me a second time, Nazyalensky”, he said quietly, meaning every word. 

“Soldiers get hurt”, Zoya replied, her voice firm. “ _ Steel is earned _ .” She lifted her chin, her blue eyes clear as an icy river. Her skin was still faintly glowing from the Grisha power, even now. 

Nikolai nodded. “I suppose I will just have to be there to take care of you every time.” 

Zoya huffed, fluffing her hair over her right shoulder. “It was me who saved your life, your Highness”, she responded. 

Always the General. “Right”, he responded. “I’d say we’re even then.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes at him, but the little smile she gave was still affectionate. “Sure.” 

Nikolai watched her for another moment, faintly wishing that there was something else he could say, something else he could do.

But his service was to Ravka, and the country needed a Shu queen. Not a Grisha. No matter how much he might be wishing it could be different. 


End file.
